chicago exp

Mon, May 18, 2009 at 11:53 AM

I wasn’t feeling well this morning, yet I wanted to make it today.

I was so excited from within from the time I reached there. Without thinking a moment I just told Ravi to take care of abhi so that I can go and listen to the talk and as well get darshan of Maharaj ji. Every time I will let Ravi attend and I used to take care of abhi.

I was sitting in the room and was waiting desperately to see the Master. The waiting was such that I started worrying about my kid and my thoughts just flew from the room to what my kid would be doing, there was the time when I felt I think abhi needs to change his diaper and I need to rush, and perhaps its written that I will again need to send ravi to my place and myself taking care of abhi, it was then everybody from the last row behind me started to turn back and was greeting someone entering the room. I felt this is it, my spine just chilled for some unknown reason and I did what others were doing, my hands were greeting and my eyes were searching for someone I don’t see. Yet, I was greeting, in anticipation that I am going to see him and in seconds there was the Master ‘Maharaj ji’ greeting everyone with smile. He was so humble and for some reason I felt so happy that I was all staring at him without blinking my eyes. If u can capture my face that time, it would be a smiling statue that has no sense.

Well,

Talk has begun, and it was my first time ever to listen to the entire talk without any concerns in mind. There was lot to take in that talk. I felt like this session belonged to me and iam sure everybody felt the same way. Usually a person’s mind will never be in place, it keeps wandering in past, present or in the future or it could happen that the mind is with us and we are concentrated, but my mind at that time was blank, not thinking nor concentrating, it was just taking everything in the talk and eyes are stuck to Maharaj ji. I don’t even realize when the talk was over, and when I realized I felt is it over? It is short and I wanted to hear and keep listening. And when the announcement was made that we are to leave the room as soon as Maharaj ji leaves, my mind again started to fly and I worried what abhi would be doing, by now ravi would be tired managing him and my son would be crying for me, I need to change etc etc. Suddenly I laughed at myself that my mind has come back to me and iam back to my life.

I came home, finished all daily and routine chores and went off to bed but somewhere in my mind this thought which is not allowing me to sleep, that I need to do something for myself. Don’t get me wrong, iam not being selfish, I was feeling optimistic, energetic, motivated to do something which can bring me eternal happiness. I thought I will meditate so that I can figure out what I want. No it was tough for me obviously as I lost touch meditating and as soon as I close my eyes, thoughts were like barging as if competing with each other who is first. That much stressed and disturbed iam is what I came to know. I tried to calm myself down and in vein after an hour I felt this control cannot be obtained in a day, I need to get this controlling power. I need to be more relaxed and easy on things and not let those effect my mental stability. I said to myself, have peace Sudha.

Friends,

But there is loads of optimism in me right now when iam writing this which I want to carry everyday so that this momentum continues and I need to figure out what I want. Yes, as Maharaj ji said in talk today, ‘there is no right time or age for philosophy, the early the better’.

I wish myself best of luck. And one thing I want to add is Maharaj ji’s darshan changed the way I perceive.

interview

This article is to tell u that real people still exists in urban political society.

I wasn’t feeling excited rather was feeling like going for a good long drive this morning when I know iam going for an interview. Usually people feel their nerve or try to know almost everything about the company they r going to, but it was different for me, I was feeling this sense of freedom that I longed for from quite some time. It wasn’t the interview which was on my mind but was the space I fought for and yearned for. I said to myself, lets put the radio on but then again my heart was pounding with contentment within self that dint want to mix with music. So, in some couple of hours (it was, as my home is far from the company), I was there and suddenly felt like coming back to life.

The security asked me to stop at the entrance to carry their regular checks and was very cordial and friendly which reminded me of my yester year (it feels like to me) corporate life. I used to be very friendly with security and staff at my then office. It was all sounding familiar to me. Now, I moved on from the gate with smiles all around wishing luck to me. That brought a big cheer in me.

As I entered inside and were taking steps towards reception, I felt a bit unusual as I did this at my career scratch. Well, you know what’s next, we need to wait for sometime until someone calls you (sometimes it might take much much longer than expected and sometimes unexpected).

I was introduced to a lady who was by looks younger to me and obviously slimmer than me and was taken to a different floor to get a PHONE introduced to me which is going to conduct the interview by itself. As it was after some while iam entering to corporate life, I felt I was replying to a voice message left on the phone (didn’t laugh though). I finished that well ahead of my given time and was waiting for a friend who is responsible for all the things today. She came to me, enquired about the status and left the floor and I walked out for another round. This time it was a COMPUTER which is taking my interview. U know that for normal people, technology is limited to typing on the computer to communicate rather speak to it on a headphone. I guess Bill Gates uses that kind of technology (affordable for them). The countdown started as soon as I entered the name and so forth details. I finished that with half the countdown left to scare me.

By this time, my stomach was yelling at me to pour something for it to give stamina to my senses, hence I called my friend, informed about my tasks and was sure I was done for this day.

My friend greeted me with her small and tiny lunch box which I couldn’t take my eyes off. We went to the café to have what my belly was screaming for but as soon as I entered the café, it was different for me.

I see people, I see them in groups, having food, somewhere having water, cracking jokes, cribbing about politics at office, talking about what happened with them , somebody was serious having their food and some flaunting with their new hair style, their dress, saree……….. OMG is what I felt and said, IS this what I was missing all throughout in USA. I mean no dollar made me happy anytime but this was fulfilling. I was completely in to that world and started to realize how much I missed my happiness for a small blunder which became a biggest sin of my life , marrying someone whom you are not compatible with. I remembered all the things which me and my group used to do at the café and particularly me who dreamt big in life, wanted to achieve something in life, prove a point to all, left every damn thing just for the sake of a sacred thread (which is considered to be) to take care of an infant, a big fat insane infant, take care of their food, toilets, house, laundry and company when they get bored. Never that I felt I was being taken care of instead of sacrificing all the world’s happiness and earnings for an unrealized life.

Felt the phrase true as someone said “ So much to give and soooo little to take”.

Well to continue, my friend took me to a corner place and made me sit there and went to get some plates for both of us though that’s not her usual lunch time. (Hmmmm ppl still can do things for u). To be downright I lost the habit of being cared and feels annoyed when someone cares or pampers me. Now, this friend of mine gave almost more than half of her lunch to my belly to keep it happy and got some stuff for my son instead of my resistance to buy. How could I repay a debt of a genuine gesture, my heart pounded for a second. This is not the first time my friend bought something for us (me n my son).

I continue to gaze at the environment I was in, I think I was in this world earlier but I had eclipse on to my life and again I will shine with all my brightness. And suddenly I hear a voice speaking to me “kya hua” , came back as a sudden drop and said nothing and then she offered me juice but I was perplexed, dazzled to say I was out of emotion to have anything in the world. I rejected her and walked down to the reception with all mixed thoughts that iam starting my career from scratch which I made earlier to make big. Now it would take sometime for me to build that up again. I was all feeling owed to my friend because of whom I felt so much happy and relieved keeping aside my interview result.

It was time bid adios to my friend, gave me a tight hug and asked to take care while on drive. For me it is all mixed up by this time and don’t know what to feel. So, stopped feeling anything and walked towards my bike started it and rode like a teenager who just got bike. No I switched on the radio and was dancing on the bike without bothering what the public might think me as. I was shouting, dancing and singing loudly while driving and was at my peak happiness for getting rid of life of tensions and felt glad I have taken a decision atleast now. I drove all Hyderabad happily musing and with glee I yelled get lost u BBBBBBB at the place where he resides (came from there intentionally), Man u feel sooooo awesome when u drive in happiness getting rid of your worst nightmares.

Reached home after 3hrs of driving and still wanted to drive more but Hyderabad and secunderabad was out of places. Now at this time, I think today is my best day and some more on the store and all the dance, amuse and glitter today will remain with me forever cause after so many years I elated again.

Well, I can say someone really made this all happen today and she remain in my deeds and life.

That’s when I say, Real people still exists in this urban political society.

What say …………………….?

Malladi Sudha

12.24 am.