chicago exp

Mon, May 18, 2009 at 11:53 AM

I wasn’t feeling well this morning, yet I wanted to make it today.

I was so excited from within from the time I reached there. Without thinking a moment I just told Ravi to take care of abhi so that I can go and listen to the talk and as well get darshan of Maharaj ji. Every time I will let Ravi attend and I used to take care of abhi.

I was sitting in the room and was waiting desperately to see the Master. The waiting was such that I started worrying about my kid and my thoughts just flew from the room to what my kid would be doing, there was the time when I felt I think abhi needs to change his diaper and I need to rush, and perhaps its written that I will again need to send ravi to my place and myself taking care of abhi, it was then everybody from the last row behind me started to turn back and was greeting someone entering the room. I felt this is it, my spine just chilled for some unknown reason and I did what others were doing, my hands were greeting and my eyes were searching for someone I don’t see. Yet, I was greeting, in anticipation that I am going to see him and in seconds there was the Master ‘Maharaj ji’ greeting everyone with smile. He was so humble and for some reason I felt so happy that I was all staring at him without blinking my eyes. If u can capture my face that time, it would be a smiling statue that has no sense.

Well,

Talk has begun, and it was my first time ever to listen to the entire talk without any concerns in mind. There was lot to take in that talk. I felt like this session belonged to me and iam sure everybody felt the same way. Usually a person’s mind will never be in place, it keeps wandering in past, present or in the future or it could happen that the mind is with us and we are concentrated, but my mind at that time was blank, not thinking nor concentrating, it was just taking everything in the talk and eyes are stuck to Maharaj ji. I don’t even realize when the talk was over, and when I realized I felt is it over? It is short and I wanted to hear and keep listening. And when the announcement was made that we are to leave the room as soon as Maharaj ji leaves, my mind again started to fly and I worried what abhi would be doing, by now ravi would be tired managing him and my son would be crying for me, I need to change etc etc. Suddenly I laughed at myself that my mind has come back to me and iam back to my life.

I came home, finished all daily and routine chores and went off to bed but somewhere in my mind this thought which is not allowing me to sleep, that I need to do something for myself. Don’t get me wrong, iam not being selfish, I was feeling optimistic, energetic, motivated to do something which can bring me eternal happiness. I thought I will meditate so that I can figure out what I want. No it was tough for me obviously as I lost touch meditating and as soon as I close my eyes, thoughts were like barging as if competing with each other who is first. That much stressed and disturbed iam is what I came to know. I tried to calm myself down and in vein after an hour I felt this control cannot be obtained in a day, I need to get this controlling power. I need to be more relaxed and easy on things and not let those effect my mental stability. I said to myself, have peace Sudha.

Friends,

But there is loads of optimism in me right now when iam writing this which I want to carry everyday so that this momentum continues and I need to figure out what I want. Yes, as Maharaj ji said in talk today, ‘there is no right time or age for philosophy, the early the better’.

I wish myself best of luck. And one thing I want to add is Maharaj ji’s darshan changed the way I perceive.